Maybe it's because I've been a bad girl, and a bad mummy, so Santa Claus has taken away my baby from me.

We went to the obstetrician today, only to be told that the baby is "missing". The ultrasound didn't show any signs of a baby, when 3 weeks ago it was healthy and with a steady heartbeat.

Our baby is supposed to be 10 weeks old today. It's meant to be bigger and more human-like by the time we got the scan done. I was anticipating the excitement as we watch the foetus grow bigger and bigger until in July, it would be ready to enter to world and form a perfect little family with hubby and me.

I'm afraid that isn't to be. Maybe we're just not fated for it.

In 5 hours, I'll be lying on the operating table, preparing for the evacuation of whatever's left of my baby.

I want to feel upset, like how hubby is feeling. I want to feel crap, but I just can't bring myself to that kind of low.

Somehow I feel relieved. Relieved that we won't have to fight anymore over the uncertainties of life and the financial strains that we might face.

It seems that everytime we are expecting, our relationship goes into turmoil. We fight over everything and nothing ever seems to sort out right.

Could it be that secretly we both wished that the baby wasn't here, that's why now we have lost the baby?

I don't know. And I don't think anyone can ever give us an answer.

Maybe, just maybe, like what I told Hubs, the baby feels that we are not ready to recieve him/her into our lives, therefore we are deprived of that chance to share a life with him/her.

We don't even know if it's a boy or girl.

Maybe it's for the better. It doesn't feel that crappy if we haven't had that much time with the baby.

I could possibly blame myself for being a bad mother. For not taking good care of myself when pregnant. Likewise, I can also blame my hubby for not taking good care of me. But then again, what will it change?

Nothing.

The operation still has to take place. The baby is gone and there's no denying it.

Maybe holy retribution does exist.

Or maybe the baby just doesn't think we're the right parents.

Nonetheless, good bye, my baby. I hope you will get a better mommy and daddy next time round.

We love you.