Hello Cedric,

It's been long since mommy last spoke to you. Mommy just suddenly thought of you today and decided to write you a letter.

I'm sorry Joshua lost your baby bear. Or rather, I'm sorry I lost your baby bear. We let Joshua bring it out and I didn't notice it was missing until we got home. By then it was way too late. We must have dropped at the mall or something. I'm really really sorry. But Mommy's going to go back to IKEA to buy at least one more back, ok? *hugs*

Please don't be mad. We really didn't mean to lose it.

Your brother has been waking up every night around 3am, crying. I don't know is it because the bear is lost and he feels strange without it as a bedtime companion. I know you've taken good care of him and make sure he sleeps well and is a good boy. Thank you, Cedric. You've been a really good baby, and a really good elder brother to Joshua. And Mommy is very proud of you. :)

Please do not think that just because Daddy and I now have Joshua, we have forgotten you. We haven't, and we never will. There is a very big part of me that still wishes you were here with us. For us to love and adore physically, just as we do to Joshua.

There are times when I kiss Joshua's chubby little cheek that I wished it was yours. And that I could hold you in my arms and whisper to you how much I love you. And how you might smile back at me in reciprocation. I really wish for it. One day in heaven, I will do all that to you. Give you all the hugs I should have given to you, and tell you a million times and more how much I love you. And how I always will.

I will never forget you. Never.

Mommy will always love you. Always. Forever and ever even after I leave this world. Which then I will come to see you, up there in heaven, and see your cute little face for the first time.

Jamie dear, same for you. Be happy, be good, and mommy will be there with you very soon. After I'm done with everything on this earth. Mommy will be there to hold you, love you, and protect you. I will NEVER let any more harm come your way.

Be good, you two. Be good and wait for mommy to come to you. I miss you both very much.

Dear Cedric,

I was lying in bed, unable to sleep. So I thought of all the possible housechores that I could do tomorrow. Packing up the wardrobe, daddy's bedside table, maybe move some of the things from the baby room to the store area. Then I thought of the baby toys in the store. Those that Daddy and I had carefully chosen from Uncle Damien's lot and moved over here so that you could play with them when you got a bit older.

Suddenly, I felt sad. Not wee bit sad, but quite very sad. So sad I almost was going to cry. I think you would have really liked the toys we picked for you.

"The Stars Shine In The Sky Tonight" for you, my baby dear.

December was a lonely month. It was the month we lost you.

We both sung Happy Birthday to you on 21st July 2006. You were meant to be here. In our arms. Mummy felt a presence in the home. Was it you? Was it Jamie?

I still don't know why you were taken from us, but I believe in God. I do now. And I think where you are, you should be in the good hands of the Lord and maybe Grandmama too. =)

Mummy loves you. And I'm very sure Daddy does too.
I still miss you. ='(

Jamie,

I didn't know, or maybe I just forgot, that at 11 weeks and 2 days, you already had all four limbs and a cute little head.
You were almost complete, like a baby ready to enter the world.
Unfortunately we weren't ready for you.

I'm sorry. I know I've said this a million times at least, but I really really wish you were here. That we had never made that decision. But what's done is done, and all I can say is sorry and that Daddy and I will work hard to have a baby again. And we would be really happy if it was to be you.

Next time, I'll hold those little hands and kiss that little forehead, and I'll tell you in person, with you cradled in my arms, how much I love you.
It will happen. It will.

Little JinJin,

Daddy and I have given you a name! We picked "Jamie", since we don't know if you are a boy or a girl. But somehow I have a strong feeling that you're a boy, and Cedric is actually a girl. :)

In any case, now we can call you by name!

Jamie Jamie Jamie.

Mummy and Daddy love you!

Be good now and don't be too sad.
In no more than two years we will see you again! :)

Baby Happy
Baby gone
Baby missed
Baby grieved

Today mummy thought of you again.

I'm still sorry that we didn't have you. I admit. I was selfish and stupid.
Are you still waiting for us?
Have you seen grandma yet?

Grandma came to me in a dream. Two nights ago.
She said she wanted to wait.
To wait for a little JinJin.
Did she mean you?
Are you still waiting for us?

Daddy and I have got plans.
Plans that maybe you would not understand,
but I'd tell them to you anyway.

Daddy wants to try and work up to a better position.
Daddy wants to earn more money so that he can give all of us a better life.
He's always wanted to buy big fancy toys for you and Cedric.
He wanted to get new things for both of you. He still wants to.
He wants a nice big house for all of us to live comfortably in.
He wants a car to drive all of us out each weekend.

I'm sorry we never bought anything for you before.
You can share Cedric's baby bear if you don't mind.
I don't think Cedric would mind.

Mummy wants to work. To start saving money.
So that when you and Cedric come along,
we can give you and ourselves everything we need and want.

Please wait, my baby Happy. Please wait.
We will be there soon.
I hope very soon.
I cannot wait to hold both of you in my arms,
and neither can Daddy.

But we need to wait.
We need to have plans and means to give both of you a good life.
Please do not be angry.
We love you both very dearly.
No comparisons.
And if we could, we'd still like to have both of you back.

Meanwhile, stay with your grandma.
She will love both of you just as dearly and take good care of you.
And once we are ready, we will bring you home.
Home inside mummy's womb.
Home within our arms.
Home together with us here.

Please wait, my darlings. Please wait.
We love you both so much.
And mummy misses you so.

Maybe it's because I've been a bad girl, and a bad mummy, so Santa Claus has taken away my baby from me.

We went to the obstetrician today, only to be told that the baby is "missing". The ultrasound didn't show any signs of a baby, when 3 weeks ago it was healthy and with a steady heartbeat.

Our baby is supposed to be 10 weeks old today. It's meant to be bigger and more human-like by the time we got the scan done. I was anticipating the excitement as we watch the foetus grow bigger and bigger until in July, it would be ready to enter to world and form a perfect little family with hubby and me.

I'm afraid that isn't to be. Maybe we're just not fated for it.

In 5 hours, I'll be lying on the operating table, preparing for the evacuation of whatever's left of my baby.

I want to feel upset, like how hubby is feeling. I want to feel crap, but I just can't bring myself to that kind of low.

Somehow I feel relieved. Relieved that we won't have to fight anymore over the uncertainties of life and the financial strains that we might face.

It seems that everytime we are expecting, our relationship goes into turmoil. We fight over everything and nothing ever seems to sort out right.

Could it be that secretly we both wished that the baby wasn't here, that's why now we have lost the baby?

I don't know. And I don't think anyone can ever give us an answer.

Maybe, just maybe, like what I told Hubs, the baby feels that we are not ready to recieve him/her into our lives, therefore we are deprived of that chance to share a life with him/her.

We don't even know if it's a boy or girl.

Maybe it's for the better. It doesn't feel that crappy if we haven't had that much time with the baby.

I could possibly blame myself for being a bad mother. For not taking good care of myself when pregnant. Likewise, I can also blame my hubby for not taking good care of me. But then again, what will it change?

Nothing.

The operation still has to take place. The baby is gone and there's no denying it.

Maybe holy retribution does exist.

Or maybe the baby just doesn't think we're the right parents.

Nonetheless, good bye, my baby. I hope you will get a better mommy and daddy next time round.

We love you.

We're heading off to the obstetrician in less than 14 hours, and we're going to have baby's "picture" taken!

We're both really excited about it because it's been 3 weeks since we last saw the baby's development through the ultrasound.

Of course, as the pregnant mum, I'm just as eager to throw questions to my doctor and ask her for the remedies for my insomnia and constant state of nausea.

4.30pm. We shall count down.